


Push and Pull

by iloveeverythingwaytoomuch



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Extremely Dubious Consent, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Manipulation, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), consent through potion so its messy, no happy endings sorry, they're fighting a war
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:54:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26994754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iloveeverythingwaytoomuch/pseuds/iloveeverythingwaytoomuch
Summary: Albus sends Marlene, Sirius, Remus, and Ted on a mission. Things start getting out of hand very quickly and Sirius questions whether or not Albus had their best interest at heart to begin with.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Marlene McKinnon, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Push and Pull

**Author's Note:**

> So there's really no excuse for this. When I get sad I beat up my favorite characters. If this needs more tags please let me know. ALSO this is probably going to have some triggering language so please be aware.

They were preparing for a retrieval mission; infiltrate a Death Eater hideout and retrieve critical information of their next attack. Remus was vibrating with nervous energy. Sirius took his hand and interlaced their fingers. He squeezed. Somehow that helped, Sirius was usually the high energy bouncing off the walls type. But today he was solid. Sirius could easily channel his chaotic energy when there was a clear cut plan involved. 

“Mr. Lupin,” Albus poked his head around the corner of the kitchen. He smiled warmly at the sight of their hands. “I was wondering if I could steal you away for just a moment.” 

Remus perked up. A word from his former headmaster was sure to calm his nerves. Professor Dumbledore had always been so kind, so ready to problem solve. He helped Remus when no one else would. Remus glanced at Sirius who only offered an encouraging smile. 

Sirius turned back to Marlene. “Are you going to be alright?” 

Marlene offered him a one second smile. “Why wouldn’t I be?” A year- hell six months ago he would have pointed out how the frown was giving her crow’s feet. Now, with the loss of...so many; and with Lily, James, and a _baby_ and in hiding, crow’s feet hardly felt mentionable. 

“Right, of-course.” He opened his mouth again, but thought better of it. Instead, he stared at the map in front of him. 

Sirius hadn’t even noticed Remus walk in, when he sat down on the sofa next to him. He seemed less shaky than before. Still, his face was pale and he looked worried. “Dumbledore give you anything helpful?”

Remus nodded and took a deep breath. “Nonsense as usual.” 

Sirius slapped his thighs as he stood. “Well the mood is in here is downright dreadful.” He offered his hands to the two of them. “Shall we?”

Just then the door opened and a breathless Edward Tonks stumbled in. He nodded and put his bag down beside the sofa. Finally catching his breath he smiled wide at the three of them. “Sorry I’m late.” 

Sirius took his hand and pulled him in for a hug. “Better late than never, Teddy. How’s the kid?” 

Ted beamed at them. “She’s almost eight. She’s brilliant, loud and properly uncouth, just like her mother.”

The new man’s energy seemed to invigorate the three of them, but mostly Marlene. She stood and gave Ted a tight hug. When they parted he held onto her shoulders and leaned down so their eyes were on the same level. He smiled but there was a pained tinge to it. Marlene nodded and they hugged once more. 

“One day she’s going to come for you for calling her Nymphadora and just so you know, I’ll be on _her_ side.” Teddy only laughed.

“Let’s be off then.” Remus cleared his throat and took Sirius’s hand, which had fallen a bit when he watched the interaction between Ted and Marlene. Sirius smiled at him. 

##

First order of business was apparating near the Death Eater safe house. There were several wards on the property so just apparating inside was impossible. However, during his research Sirius had found a rune which helped the user pass through the most common wards. It was his new tattoo which rubbed uncomfortably under his rib cage as they hurried along a fence to the house. 

When they reached the back door, Sirius turned to the other three. “Ok so if my research is right, each of you need to have a hand on me for this to work.” He wiggled an eyebrow. Marlene rolled her eyes and took hold of his arm. Ted reached out for the hand on the same arm. 

“ _If_ , really? That’s comforting.” Remus reached under the hem of Sirius’s shirt and put his palm directly onto the rune. Sirius almost told him to move his hand, as the tattoo was still fresh. But at the same time it was kind of grounding. He nodded and together they walked toward the ward and passed through with ease. It had worked, Sirius was beside himself. 

The next thing he knew everything went black.

It had been a trap. Of-course it was, it was too easy. Nothing was ever easy. They had been put in a makeshift cage, probably conjured and definitely warded. They stood in horror, wandless and helpless to do anything but watch. Remus was the last to wake, the hooded figures watched as he sat up.

“So nice of you to join us. The Dark Lord wants the werewolf. He couldn’t care less about the rest of you, yes, even the Mudblood.” 

Sirius took hold of Remus’s hand. Remus had a trend of protecting others before himself. It's how he’d gotten nearly half of his scars, turning inward instead of giving himself the option to hurt anyone else. He’d only gotten worse since graduating; taken more than his fair share of curses because he knew his body could take it. Sirius glared Remus down, he knew the familiar urge to do anything it took to keep your family safe. He would not let him. 

Sirius swore as one of the Death Eaters grabbed him and ripped him away from the other three. Several other of the hooded figures trained their wands on the remaining three.The tallest one grabbed Sirius and held him back to his chest so that he could watch his friend’s faces. He was taller and stronger than Sirius and held him as if he was nothing. 

“Let go of him.” Remus growled.

“How about a trade? You stay and the rest can go?” A cruel smile lit up his thin mouth. 

“No!” Sirius shouted and he struggled harder against the arms holding him. Remus ground his teeth but said nothing. 

A woman whispered to the man holding Sirius, her teeth glinted in the light and she motioned for the rest to follow her. Finally it was just the five of them left in the room, the four captured and the Death Eater holding Sirius.

He pulled his hand back to reach for something in his robes, pulling out a vial he unscrewed the top. He reached for Sirius’s mouth. Sirius for his part fought, but he was no match for the other man’s strength. He pulled open Sirius’s lips and slipped the vial between them. Sirius tried to fight, to turn his head away, but the angle at which he was being held left no room to move. The Death Eater looked up at that point to eye Remus. Then he pulled the vial away and replaced it with his hand. It was massive and took up nearly half of Sirius’s face, fingers curving under his jaw while his thumb reached up to his cheek bone. Sirius had no choice but to swallow the liquid if he wanted to breathe. He patted Sirius on the head when he did and loosened his grip. Then he let him go entirely and Sirius leaned against the wall. 

It was during the struggle that Remus saw the bite mark. At the corner of the Death Eater’s shoulder and neck there was a clear pattern of scar tissues. Probably indiscernible to someone who hadn’t been inspecting their own for nearly twenty years. Sirius never stood a chance without his wand. Remus pushed himself as hard as he could against the bars. 

Sirius gasped for breath. “What was that?”

The Death Eater ignored his question. “All we want is the wolf.”

Remus nodded. “Anything,” he said, his voice harsh. 

“Remus no.” Ted pushed his arm in between Remus and the bars holding him back. Remus couldn’t even look at him.

“I know this doesn’t make sense to you but I have to go with them.” Ted looked him in the eyes, waiting to see the crack in his resolve. Marlene grabbed his shoulders and whirled him around so she could look him in the eye.

“There has to be something else we can do.” She watched Sirius who looked pale and weak, like a swift wind could send him crashing to the ground. “There’s no guarantee that they’re telling the truth.”

Meanwhile, Sirius was beginning to feel the effects of the potion. Everything was slowing down. He had to remember, he was here with someone to _do something_ important. He just couldn’t remember what that was. He was pushed against a wall, it was cold and unforgiving. It was like he was drunk, hardly able to stand on his own. If only he could remember how he’d got here. He blindly reached out to the closest warmth to him. The Death Eater let Sirius cling to him, even wrapped an arm around his waist. 

“You want me.” 

Sirius knew the man said it, but it was like the voice echoed inside his head. He was more than a source of warmth. The man dipped his fingers into the waistband of his trousers. Sirius hummed, drowsily. The man was strong and Sirius felt like he was made of jelly. He let himself be pushed, clung to it, drank it in like he was dehydrated. His face hit the wall, solid and cold, a striking contrast to the heat of the body molded to his back. The man chewed on Sirius’s ear and he couldn’t help but push back against him. He keened. He wanted this. He needed this.

“Do you know a spell?”

“Do I know a spell?” Sirius repeated, not really hearing. 

The man laughed. “Something to loosen you up?” Sirius nodded and whispered the spell. He felt cold, somewhere in the back of his head he realized that the man had partly undressed him but this didn’t seem urgent at the moment. The man leaned forward and took Sirius’s lip between his teeth. Sirius moaned. He felt himself growing harder. This wasn’t the time, he told himself. There was _something_ he had to do. Whatever he needed to do could wait just a moment. He couldn’t stop the growing heat in his stomach, maybe this would clear his head.

“Oh _fuck_.” When the man pushed a finger in, it was all Sirius could focus on. He pushed back, his whole body lighting up. His face was thrust into the wall as another finger was added. Then a third. “Ah! You’re going too fast.” 

In reply, the man brought his hand around to stroke him. “I knew you were up for it.” Sirius could feel his hot breath against his neck as he chuckled. “You like it.” The need in his gut intensified as the words again echoed in his brain.

Sirius finally found the words he’d been looking for. “What did you do to me?” The man answered with a punctuated thrust of his fingers. He dug deep, trying to find himself in the sea of confusion and lust sloshing against his brain. “I…” he moaned and grasped the man’s arm tightly. “I don’t want this.” Finally the man hit that bundle of nerves inside of him and he was whining and pushing back on the thrusts.

The man pulled back and Sirius felt like he could breathe for the first time since the Death Eater started touching him. “What do you want?” Hot breath on his cheek clouded his mind. What did he want? What _did_ he want? Why couldn’t he remember? If he could just get this out of his system. If he could just hear anything besides his heart pounding in his ears. Maybe he could answer the question. A name was on the tip of his tongue. 

“ _You_ ,” Sirius whispered. Sirius tried to look at him, for a moment he saw some figures over his shoulder. He fought through the fog in his head. They meant something, he needed to talk to them.

The Death Eater pushed his cock into Sirius, slamming him into the wall and knocking the breath out of him. His hands were pushed above his head, essentially pinning his whole body. Which was convenient because Sirius’s knees decided to give out from under him. Sirius gasped. He pushed back, not sure if he was trying to push the other man away or if he was trying to get more. Either way the Death Eater surged forward, _hard_ , his whole body pinning Sirius to the solid surface. 

Sirius found enough breath to pant. “You’re so deep. I can’t- I need-” The man ground down and Sirius was moaning in cut off breaths. There was a smile in his voice when the Death Eater ordered Sirius to tell him what he needed.

He could hear someone yelling his name. There was a struggle somewhere out of his line of vision, screaming, curses flying left and right. Nothing mattered but his pleasure. The steady thrusts and the crunch of bone on the wall and his heart pounding in his ears. 

“I need to cum.” The man pushed again, crushing down on that spot that had Sirius seeing stars. 

“Do it. Cum for me.”

Sirius was screaming as his body convulsed. He clenched tight and he could hear grunts behind him as the other man grated against him. Somehow the man pushed deeper and Sirius arched into the body behind him. 

Someone else grabbed him then, yanked him to his feet, helped him dress, and forced him to move. His brain was still on edge, coming down from the orgasm. He still had trouble remembering where he was or why he was running but he trusted the hands on his wrist. He trusted that they were pulling him to safety. 

A pause in the action sent questions flying his way. How was he, did he know where he was, why he was here, did he know what that potion was. He couldn't answer any of them with a satisfying answer. He clung to the strong arms holding him. The man let him, but seemed stressed and worried. If Sirius could just have a moment to clear his head. But he was beginning to believe that he had to get whatever they gave him through his system before he could remember. That name on the tip of his tongue. That... _reason_ he was here. He looked up at the man whose arm he was clinging to. 

“Remus…” Sirius whispered. “Where’s Remus?”

Marlene put her hands on his cheeks. “Well that’s something at least.” She forced his face up so she could look into his eyes. They were still dazed but at least he focused on her. “We’ll get him back, okay?”

A stone dropped into Sirius’s stomach. _Back?_ Where was he?

##

Somehow they made it back to the Order Headquarters. Marlene and Ted debriefed as best they could. They saw Sirius to a Healer who did they best they could. On the evening of the third day, Sirius jolted up in his bed. He looked around, finding an empty room. His wand sat on the table beside him next to a cauldron with a foul smelling orange liquid bubbling inside it. 

A woman entered the room and she jumped when she saw him sitting up. She turned back into the other room and returned with a pitcher of water and a glass for him. She asked him how he was feeling. He found himself in more pain than he was really ready for. He said nothing as she handed him the glass. There was a massive bruise lining most of his chest and his shoulder cracked loudly when he tried to stretch. His mouth tasted like copper and he forced down a couple glasses of water. 

“I need you to try to drink this. We can’t be sure what they gave you, so we need to flush your system just to make sure there are no lasting side effects.” She spooned some of the orange liquid from the cauldron into a cup and handed it to him. He tried to swallow the thick liquid and gagged. She winced and took pity on him. He sipped as little as he could and she nodded smartly. “That's alright, we’ll try again later.” 

“How long...um?”

“A couple days.”

His memory was coming back slowly, but he seemed to remember the Death Eaters being interested in Remus. His heart jumped into his throat. “Is everyone else alright?” 

“Albus would like to speak with you first, if you’re up for it.” She tilted her head to the side and looked at him meaningfully. 

_I knew you were up for it._ Sirius could feel searing breath against his neck.

He shook his head. The night of the mission was coming back slowly. In violent bursts of information. He had no interest in talking to Albus Dumbledore. No interest in letting that man in his head. He wanted to see Remus, touch him, make sure he was alright with his own hands. He didn’t say any of this. He just nodded wearily. 

The next thing he knew his old Headmaster was sitting at his bedside and offering him a cup of tea. He shook his head. “How are you feeling, my boy?” Sirius squirmed at the idea that he was anyone’s boy. He shrugged.

“Where’s Remus?”

“He’s here, he’s safe. I’m sure he’s on his way to see you now that you’re up and about.” Albus leaned in. “I wanted to talk about you, first. If that’s alright?” It would be so easy to trust those piercing blue eyes that somehow radiated warmth. So easy to drink in whatever he told you. Albus reached towards him and pressed his warm palm against Sirius’s cheek. Sirius’s eyes drifted closed and nodded into it. 

“I understand you went through a particularly harrowing ordeal at the Death Eater safe house. While in normal circumstances I would impress you to, in your own way, work through those memories…” He focused all his attention on Sirius now, hoping to impart the importance of his words. “We need every advantage we have in this war. Sirius? If those memories plague you, we might lose the advantage you can provide.”

Sirius watched him, absolutely clueless as to what he was being asked. 

“As you may know I am in possession of a pensieve. I can keep memories of your ordeal safe for you until you feel you can process them in your own time. Thus, essentially giving you that advantage in battles to come.”

“I don’t remember what happened.”

_I don’t want this._

_What do you want?_

“That’s alright, son.” Albus winced, although surely Sirius was supposed to take it as a smile. His tone softened when he spoke again. “If you need anything. Don’t hesitate to ask.”

When he felt like he could, he got up and took a walk down the corridor. Marlene caught him on her way to check on him. She almost swept right by him before she realized what was happening.

“Sirius?” She said, worry heavy in her voice.

He laughed breathlessly, his chest aching for it. “In the flesh.” She immediately took his arm to steady him. He winced. “Ah! Well as of now anyways.” 

_He heard the crunch of bone on the wall and his heart pounding in his ears._

“How are you feeling?”

Sirius thought about it for a long moment. “Sore?” He watched her face pale. “There’s definitely something wrong with my shoulder, although I don’t remember injuring myself.” He rotated it again and this time there was a definite crunch. Marlene caught his arm on the down swing and made a face. She helped him sit down in the dining room and she set herself to making some tea. 

“What...what _do_ you remember?” Marlene sat down across from him. 

Sirius let the cup warm his fingers and he took a deep breath. “We were captured. They...they forced me to drink something and then...some shouting, I think. The next thing I remember is waking up here.”

Marlene seemed to let out a deep breath. “That’s it?” She said cautiously. Sirius sipped his tea, his eyebrows coming together as he thought. He didn’t need to hurt her. 

“That’s it.” He repeated. Her shoulders deflated. He glanced around. “Where’s Remus?”

“I just saw him meeting with Albus, I’ll go fetch him for you.”

_We’ll get him back, okay?_

His heart jumped into his throat. Remus had stayed. Remus had traded Sirius for himself. He at once forgot about anything besides Remus’s face. How angry he’d been. How ready he’d been to give up everything in exchange for Sirius. Sirius put his head in his hands. 

A chair made a horrible screeching sound as Remus nearly threw it to the side to get to the table. He gently took Sirius’s hands and pulled them away from his face. Sirius looked at him with watery eyes. Then he lunged across the table and kissed him. Remus clutched him, held Sirius like he was one crack from falling apart, like he never wanted to separate again, like the world would come crashing down if he had to let him go.

“I thought you stayed. I thought you traded yourself for me.” Sirius pulled back, his arms still wrapped around Remus’s neck. 

“How much do you remember?” Sirius took a step back. 

“Why?”

Remus cupped Sirius’s cheek in his hand. “What do you mean why?”

“If it was just you it would be one thing...but Dumbledore practically woke me up? Marlene trying to drag an answer out of me?” Marlene raised her hand to counteract but Sirius kept going. “Now it's the first thing that comes out of your mouth?” Sirius untangled himself from Remus and stepped away from him. Sirius laughed albeit it sounded a little hysterical. “What are you hoping I’ll remember?”

“It's not that, come back.” Remus reached for him but Sirius put his hands up to stop him. “Pads I...”

Sirius frowned. He rubbed the bruise on his collar bone, absently. “They only wanted _you_. They took you- they _had_ you.” He dodged Remus’s arms once again as they reached for him. “They knew when we were coming, Remus. How did they know?”

“Sirius.” There was a deafening authority to Remus’s voice. Sirius hadn’t heard that tone since school, during which he was no doubt being chastised for some irresponsible or poorly thought out prank. Sirius swallowed thickly. Remus took his hand and nearly dislocated his shoulder as he pulled him from the room. He pulled Sirius to the closest room with a door and shoved him inside, following quickly and casting a quite impressive silencing spell. Remus leaned back on the door and took a deep breath. Sirius watched him, each second sending chills down his spine. 

“They were werewolves.”

Sirius blinked at him. “Okay…”

He seemed to be choosing his words carefully before speaking. “They knew we were coming because…because we told them we were coming.” He swallowed. “Sirius I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what they were going to do.” He rubbed a hand down his face. 

Sirius didn’t move. 

“It was a loyalty test. For me.” 

“But...they were _Death Eaters_.”

Desperately Remus nodded as he continued. “Yes, there's a subsection of the werewolf population that is fighting for You-Know-Who. We thought that if I could infiltrate them, I could figure out what-”

Sirius turned away. “ _We…_?” Something dark sparked behind his eyes, he lowered his voice. “He wanted to take my memories.” 

There were tears in Remus’s eyes. “Albus just needed to know what they told y-”

“He didn’t _TELL_ me anything, Remus!” His tone was sharp. He ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to process. “What? You think they told me You-Know-Who’s PLANS WHILST HE WAS INSIDE ME?” He was screaming now. He clenched his fingers trying to stop the shaking. “Albus sold us out.” Remus shook his head, once more reaching for Sirius. Instead, the shorter man put a bed in between them. “He sold us out and then tried to erase the evidence.”

“That’s not what happened.”

“No! What happened is my boyfriend lied to my face and took us on a mission _blind_ . We all could have died so that you could have more werewolf mates.” Sirius threw his hands in the air. He didn’t know who he was more angry at; Remus for lying to him or himself for trusting Dumbledore. “What happened was you stood there and _watched_.” Sirius slapped his hand over his own mouth, like if he didn’t his insides would spill out of him. He’d be a bloody mess on the floor by the time he was done.

Remus pulled back like he’d been hit. After a long pause he looked up through tears. “Sirius…”

“I’m going to Godric’s Hollow.” Sirius pushed past Remus and opened the door. Once more Remus feebly reached out and as if he could feel him doing so, Sirius paused. But eventually Sirius refused to look at him as he slammed the door shut in his face.


End file.
